22.12.14

Kau tengok budak remaja couple, pegang-pegang tangan. Kau marah.

Kau kata: "Gatal betul. Ni semua mengundang maksiat, lepas tu dapat anak luar nikah".

Tapi bila kau tengok budak remaja kahwin awal untuk mengelak maksiat, kau marah jugak.

Kau kata:"Gatal betul. Muda-muda dah birah nak kahwin".

Eh, habis tu apa yang kau tak marah, Melayu oii?

Kiri duri kanan pun berduri. Susah betul nak mengadap tekanan sosial kat Malaysia ni.

Posted on Monday, December 22, 2014 by Unknown

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13.12.14



Jangan tipu lah. Kita semua sama. Lalu dekat cermin kereta atau cermin kedai, mesti nak check-out diri sendiri (walaupun sekilas pandang je sebab segan dengan orang keliling, kan?). Alah, aku pun buat benda tu. Chill lah. Tak mati pun kalau kau mengaku. Tak tercalar pun ego tu. Hmmph :)

Posted on Saturday, December 13, 2014 by AK

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11.12.14



Dia selfie tayang cleavage, post di Instagram dan dapat 200 likes dalam masa 2 jam.

Kau tengok IG dia, dan dalam diam kau cemburu (sikit), sebab dia dapat 200 like.

So, kau pun nak jugak selfie tayang cleavage. Kau nak jugak tau, samada saham lurah dendam kau setinggi atau lebih tinggi dari dia.

Snap! snap! snap!

Dan selepas kau gunakan segala kemahiran fotografi yang kau ada (atau dengan kata lain, memulas otak selama 15 minit untuk memilih antara 5 filter terbaik yang kau selalu gunapakai selain filter Magic Skin yang sememangnya wajib), kau pun klik butang Post.



Berdebar rasa hati kau lepas kau post selfie tu, dengan harapan kau dapat lagi banyak like dari dia. Dan nampaknya nasib menyebelahi kau! Sebab mungkin kawan-kawan kau lebih ramai dari kawan-kawan dia, so kau dapat 300 likes dalam masa 2 jam! Kau terus draw conclusion yang cleavage kau lebih diminati dari cleavage dia. Pergh. Best sungguh perasaan kau masa tu. Post kau siap dipenuhi komen dari abang-abang sakai internet, dengan ucapan seperti "Mmmm dapnyewww" dan "Wow tq belanja". Kau marah (sikit) tapi suka (banyak) bila kau baca komen abang-abang sakai internet tu.

Malam tu, kau tidur bak berada di awang-awangan. Sesekali kau terbangun, dan terus check phone kau. Manalah tau ada follower yang baru tengok post kau dan like atau comment lagi.

Esoknya, dia discover yg kau dapat 300 likes dengan aksi mirip post dia. Dia tak puas hati. Mana boleh kau dapat lagi banyak like. Tiru post dia pulak tu. So now, dia determined nak kalahkan kau. Dia dapat idea baru. Kali ni dia selfie tayang cleavage sambil selak baju dan menampakkan perutnya yang toned sebab dia selalu pergi gym. Dapat 500 likes.

Bila kau tengok post dia tu, kau geram. Memang kau sangat tak puas hati. Benci. Kalau boleh kau nak toreh-toreh je perut dia.

Lepas tu kau selak baju tengok perut kau. Boroi. Macam perut dugong. Malulah kalau selfie tayang perut boroi. Nanti orang tak like. So now, kau pulak determined. Kau pun bertekad nak gunakan masa petang tu sehabis baik dengan buat sit-up, tapi lepas berhempas pulas kau larat buat 8 rep je, lepas tu perut kau cramp. Ciss, memang tension gila. Kau pun duduk termenung sedih sambil memikirkan nasib kau.

Last-last kau ambik phone, berdiri depan cermin, selak baju nampakkan perut, tahan nafas, tunduk sikit nampakkan lurah dendam, and snap! snap! snap!

Sebelum kau post, kau taip caption sambil di sudut bibir kau terukir sebuah senyuman puas: "Had a great workout today. My body is a wonderland! #fitness #getfitordietrying #workout #workinprogress"

Dan Abah kau, bila dia nampak post Instagram kau, terus mengilai bak langsuir jantan sambil mengurut-ngurut janggutnya tanda gembira.


Posted on Thursday, December 11, 2014 by AK

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28.5.14

"Gabungan Pertubuhan Islam bukan kerajaan (ACCIN) mahu kilang coklat Cadbury yang dua produknya dikesan mempunyai DNA babi membayar kos menukar darah kepada semua umat Islam yang telah termakan bahan haram berkenaan. Selain itu, menurut jurucakap ACCIN Sabariah Abdullah, yang mempunyai 18 NGO bernaung di bawahnya - mendesak supaya saman hingga berbilion-bilion ringgit ke atas syarikat antarabangsa itu…"

Hmpph. Aku agak marah bila dapat tau pasal benda ni. Sebab bangang sangat idea dia nih. Dan bila aku naik marah, mula lah aku nak speaking English ni. So..
Although I think her proposition for mass blood transfusion/purification is totally nonsensical, I felt a scratch in my brain, thus pulsating this urge to impose few questions to Puan ACCIN because she seems like an intelligent lady at first glance. But mostly these questions are all merely for my own amusement.

First off, where can we get this 'halal' blood supply? And we sure need a lot of it too, because admit it, Cadbury bars are yummy, so basically most of us Malaysian Muslims have unintentionally popped our cherries and are now in dire need for the so-called 'blood purification', hence explaining the circus parade. We're all biting our nails clean on this one, aren't we?
And what about the current national blood supply that's going to be the core element of this mega blood transfusion project? Is the existing supply enough? Do we need to segmentise the entire national bloodbank into Muslim and non-Muslim origins? And even if we have the capacity to execute such ludicrous idea, how would we know if the Muslim origin blood is 'suci'? How would we know if the donor have never eaten those gazetted Cadbury chocs or any other haram food in their entire life? Do we have to make assesments, conduct interviews and do background checks on all Muslim donors?
And if all else fails, (I'm just conveniently assuming that more than 50% of the total 14.8 million Malaysian Muslims may have consumed the banned Cadbury at least once in their lifetime, which would also automatically X their name off the potential 'pure blood' donor list), do we need to import blood from other Muslim countries and do background checks on all foreign donors too? Does Jakim need to step in and produce certificate for blood now?
BAPAK COMPLICATED, PUAN OII.
So basically your proposition is totally absurd and with all due respect, made you stray away from the corridor of intelligence and fall straight into the pit of utter retardness. Blood purification?! *facepalm* Your paranoia only reflects your shallow understanding of the basics of the religion. I may not be a pioust Islamic scholar Ustaz, but I believe that God forgives unintentional acts of sin, unconditionally. For He is Most Merciful.
Dah termakan, nak buat macam mana?
In fact, 2 days before all the hoo-haas last week, my parents brought home packs of Cadburys from Labuan, and the whole family had a nice Cadbury session. But after discovering the Jakim gazette, we stayed composed. Because we've found comfort in the basics. We just stopped eating the balance chocs. As simple as that. There's no need to turn into vampires and go on a campaign for new replacement blood. That is by far the most absurd proposition I've ever tried to ponder.
Maybe anxiety stricken people like Puan ACCIN and her bunch need to calm down and if in doubt, refer to scholars or wait for a statement from Majlis Fatwa. Go ahead and sue Cadbury for a gazillion Ringgit, because you think it might teach them a lesson. While you're at it, sue Jakim as well for letting it slip past their radar for years (don't forget my share). Heck, do whatever you need to do to comfort yourself, that's your right. Just please don't go full retard in public and embarrass us anymore. Kes Raja Bomoh baru nak reda, dia bawak pulak sarkis baru.
Lepas satu, satu. Aduhhhh.
Agama kita mudah dan indah wahai Puan ACCIN, dan semestinya tak sengal macam kepala otak Puan dan kawan-kawan. Hishhh.

Posted on Wednesday, May 28, 2014 by AK

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